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don't prove me wrong.
*11.06.04* @ *3:14 p.m.*
when i think of his voice cracking, oh, there goes my heart right along with it.
sometimes i'm not sure if i want to give up on new york, but sometimes i'm not sure if i could live in a sea of fucking yankee fans again.
sometimes i'm not sure i'm ready to be part of some dynamic duo.
sometimes i'm not sure if i want to be part of anything at all, which is to say that i'm not sure if i can be with someone ever and not feel like i'm compromising myself a great deal.
sometimes i'm not sure if i'm ready to think in terms of now and later and soon and forever and tomorrow and next month and three years with relation to the fact that i'm not going to be happy until whatever i'm waiting for arrives.
sometimes i'm not sure if i'm ready for all of this, because i'm still getting to know that parts of me that i hate and the parts of me i love and i'm just not always sure i'm ready to share those parts of me with someone else in hopes that they'll understand where i'm coming from.
today has been a doubtful day for no other reason that i feel like i'm struggling at this very moment. i'm not sure what i'm pushing up against, but i think it's only because i'm not having the greatest of days and the part that made it that way is the part that i normally find a great deal of happiness in.
that and the fact that i'm listening to music that is only making everything worse.
i think i just need a day to think. to organize everything that's in my head. to be able to breathe for a second and not feel like i'm breathing breaths that are tainted with glass.
it's strange, because while i've never felt like this before, i'm still afraid of one thing. i'm afraid of my wings getting clipped.
and i was just starting to get good at flying.
but maybe i need just a trim. i've been so used to operating at the very base level of myself for the simple fact that i've never had a problem with it, i'm good at it, and for the most part, it's wonderful.
but when i really think about all the possibilities that everything has in it, under the notion that no matter what, i can keep my wings,
i really think, even on bad days,
that i just might be ready for this.